Getting anon hate on my main account for posting ONE FUCKING THING about being fat. Why can’t people just fuck off?
Getting told to leave because someone doesn’t want to see your face and being told you might get kicked out… WELL THEN…
My best friend just created a fitspo blog and SHE’S FUCKING 105 POUNDS. Her gw is 90. How the fuck? I’m going to die in a hole filled with lard because that’s what I am. fuck man, fuck.
I just sent one of my friends an ask and it wasn’t on anon. She has an ED and alot of other problems, but I will reach out to those who I know need help…
life-imperfected: The girl on the right gets asked out by more guys. She goes to more parties & has a lot more texts in her inbox. If given the choice, I’m pretty sure the girl on the left would give anything to have the body of the girl on the right. Actually, I know that for a fact, because both of those girls are me. This is my before & after. At 18 years old, I was overweight, depressed & dying for attention. & funny enough, not much changed even after I dropped 60 pounds; I was still depressed, just a lot thinner & felt a lot more guilty about hating my life. Because the thing is, it doesn’t matter how much weight you lose - it doesn’t matter how many guys blow up your phone & it sure as hell does not matter how many people tell you how great you look on Facebook. None of it means a damn thing if you still aren’t happy with yourself & dropping weight is definitely, in no way, going to help you gain self-respect. I have been battling ED since I was 17. I was convinced that if I lost enough weight, that my life would magically turn around & that by fitting into certain clothes, I would immediately have everything I’d ever wanted & that all of my sadness would just disappear. & I am standing here today to tell you that is so not the case. In high school I was the girl that sat by herself in the library during lunch because I didn’t have any friends to sit with in the cafeteria. I smoked too much weed, didn’t give a damn about what I looked like & the only thing I was concerned with was drowning-out the major depression that I was locked into. Once I began restricting & obsessing over losing weight, things seemed to turn around. The guys that once made fun of me in high school were suddenly asking me out on dates. The girls that previously ignored me were now asking me to hang out & party with them. For the first time in my life, I actually looked forward to getting into a bathing suit. But eventually anorexia caught up with me - I went from being content with the fact that I’d be chubby all of my life to obsessing over calories & serving sizes. I would workout non-stop in order to punish myself for eating too much. & that dream of becoming in shape became a nightmare - I literally thought of nothing except calories, restriction, & losing that extra 5 pounds. Anorexia sucks. The minute you give into the notion that being thin = happiness, you can say goodbye to your life. Because I promise, you will not have one after the disorder has set in. Yeah, you’ll get invited to the right parties, but the entire time you’re there you’ll be standing back, debating whether or not you should drink the beer because you’re not sure if the calories are worth it. & the hot guys will call you, but their presence won’t numb out the insistent self-hate & condemnation that’s running in the back of your mind. & those girlfriends that you’ve always wanted? You’ll get them. & then drive them away, when the only conversation you’re capable of having is one based on self-centered, “my life sucks” crap. To every girl that thinks that their life will change for the better the minute they hit their “goal weight” think again. I was just as miserable at 160 pounds as I was at 111 pounds with 13% body fat. Because the truth is, all that outside stuff - the popularity, looks & money - will never, ever compensate for how much you hate yourself. & trust me, if you’re willing to sell yourself out & deprive yourself of food, you do not love yourself. So after almost 2 years of restricting, dieting & popping way too many pills, I snapped. Even though by society’s standards I had it all going for me - the looks, the grades, the guys, the friends - I was still depressed as hell, & after a suicide attempt & stay in the psych-ward, I checked myself into Timberline Knolls - on May 1st, 2010 I went into rehab to deal with my issues & even when I left TK, I still had a few major battles to fight. ED isn’t something that just goes away, & the year after rehab was the most difficult & triumphant year of my life. I forced myself away from the parties. I worked at a grocery store & saw how normal people shopped for food. I went back into individual therapy, did IOP & got off the medication. & I fought like hell to find myself after anorexia took my life away from me. Now I’m here. At 22 years old, I can finally say that I am okay. I’m not perfect, but I am definitely far from the skinny, underfed & angry girl that went into rehab 2 years ago. I can also say that this weight loss journey has really thought me a lot about what it means to give a shit about yourself & other people. I’ve learned that being skinny isn’t going to get you a better life. In fact, wait - side story: I remember laying in bed one night, crying myself to sleep after a party. I was so upset that I was still so damn upset, even after I had lost so much weight. Here I was, living the life I had always wanted - I was tan, had gorgeous friends, the guys/parties/drugs - but I still hated who I was. I still wanted more & I realized that nothing was going to fix that hole in my heart. & I felt so fucking guilty for hating my life, because I knew that there were girls out there who would kill to have what I had (I used to be one of those girls). Point being - starving yourself isn’t going to fix anything. Loving yourself will. You can be happy at any weight & you don’t need a guy to tell you that you’re beautiful, because his words mean nothing if you don’t believe them. & trust me, anorexia will make damn sure you don’t believe that you’re good enough. & working out isn’t about losing weight or looking sexy. It’s about self-discipline. It’s about proving to yourself that you can run that extra mile. That you can do that extra set. & that you can wake yourself up at 5 am, do the hard workout & still have a smile on your face throughout the rest of the day, because you’re finally at peace with yourself.

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